I often wondered what it would feel like to love myself,the good,the bad,the ugly.Maybe it’s time to look at the bad,hold it close to my heart and accept it as mine;not good,not bad,just mine.
The guys I chose to obsess about without knowing why,trying hard to let go and watching myself fail repeatedly. Judging myself for being weak,needy,clingy the hating myself for it.
Here’s my latest crush,it’s been on for almost a year,I think we first met face to face on September the 15th but he was one of the first people I called when I passed my driving test .
It wasn’t love at first sight,it felt like a reunion at first sight.His eyes seemed familiar,he said nothing to justify my putting him on a pedestal but I did.I admired him, respected him and wished we could spend a lot of time together.
Few times he initiated contact after our business transaction was over,most times however, I did,I shared my heart,my dreams,my pain,even told him I had a crush on him…
Again, I had set myself up for heart break , I was doing all the harm yet again.While being grateful for his maturity as he never made me feel bad about what I called my ramblings,many times he ignored them without a word,emoticon,anything to feed my clingy fantasy that maybe he shared my feelings( at least a little bit).
Needy,clingy, whatever this present year old crush that doesn’t seem to end may say to my rational,judgmental self, I choose to love me as I am,with all my weakness.
To the part of me that waited for him to send just one word,to show me just a bit of attention,that part of me that got mad at herself for falling in love with an unavailable guy, that part of me that cried herself to sleep then got angry for being so weak,I acknowledge your presence,I honor your pain,hope,dreams.
I love you Itemeka, I choose love over judgement! We can do this,we’ll be ok 💕