August 11,2017 · Uncategorized

Acceptance

I often wondered what it would feel like to love myself,the good,the bad,the ugly.Maybe it’s time to look at the bad,hold it close to my heart and accept it as mine;not good,not bad,just mine.

The guys I chose to obsess about without knowing why,trying hard to let go and watching myself fail repeatedly. Judging myself for being weak,needy,clingy the hating myself for it.

Here’s my latest crush,it’s been on for almost a year,I think we first met face to face on September the 15th but he was one of the first people I called when I passed my driving test .

It wasn’t love at first sight,it felt like a reunion at first sight.His eyes seemed familiar,he said nothing to justify my putting him on a pedestal but I did.I admired him, respected him and wished we could spend a lot of time together.

Few times he initiated contact after our business transaction was over,most times however, I did,I shared my heart,my dreams,my pain,even told him I had a crush on him…

Again, I had set myself up for heart break , I was doing all the harm yet again.While being grateful for his maturity as he never made me feel bad about what I called my ramblings,many times he ignored them without a word,emoticon,anything to feed my clingy fantasy that maybe he shared my feelings( at least a little bit).

Needy,clingy, whatever this present year old crush that doesn’t seem to end may say to my rational,judgmental self, I choose to love me as I am,with all my weakness.

To the part of me that waited for him to send just one word,to show me just a bit of attention,that part of me that got mad at herself for falling in love with an unavailable guy, that part of me that cried herself to sleep then got angry for being so weak,I acknowledge your presence,I honor your pain,hope,dreams.

I love you Itemeka, I choose love over judgement! We can do this,we’ll be ok 💕

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Release

I choose to release the illusion of what I thought could be between us.The dream of love,companionship,adventure. I miss that illusion,the mirage that still haunts me hurts me,the silence accuses me of self hatred.

I was willing to settle for your bouts of rage,for your feelings of unworthiness of always striving to be enough whilst snuffing out the voices telling you you are not enough.

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My love,my lessons

You came into to my life to show me parts of me that are broken,unloved,ignored.Ignoring my mind,I followed my heart and fell in love with you.The first part of you I noticed were your eyes,their intensity,their passion.
At first I thought it would pass, but it waxed,waned yet remained somewhere in the back burner.
Part of me saw you were unavailable,I got the confirmation time and time again,did my heart get the message? The answer is no,my heart yearned to be seen by you so instead of keeping a journal!I wrote to you about my fears,my pains,my hopes,I let you see me beyond my mask.
Sometimes it seemed you were warming up to me.Then one day you said you wanted to see me,mentioned taking me out to celebrate a sports victory,there was hugging and kissing mentioned.Alarm bells rang,my child hood fears came up and I shared them with you.
Today I saw your instagram post,I realized the #thinkingaboutyou# thinking of you didn't refer to me.Part of you was attracted to me to heal from the pain of the rejection you faced from your girlfriend .Ex girlfriend you said out loud but you wanted her in your life just as much as I wanted you in mine.
My warning bells ran much deeper than I thought,yet most times I ignore them,often not able to discern "fear bells"from intuition.I knew you were unavailable but I fell for you anyway.My crush is 11 months old and I'm still wondering when I'll pass the test from the lessons this crush has brought me.
Love is a good feeling and it brought me a lot of comfort,joy,hope,it made me feel alive.Can I keep these feelings even though I can't keep you?
I wish you well,I hope you are loved,honored and happy whatever path you choose.I have set the intention of letting you go more times than I can remember,so here I go again.
I release you to love,to passion,vitality,joy,fulfillment,peace and abundance.May you fly on love's wings to become your best self under the guidance and love of God,the universe,your highest self…May you always see,feel and know that you are supported and loved.
I love you from far,no strings attached (intention), for as long as I need to find the love I have for you,in me❤️💕❤️

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Mountain view

Detachment would guide me to answers I have,why you, why now? Why can I not use my energy for something more productive.
How can I use the longing in my heart to create something more beautiful,or at least more meaningful than unrequited love.Why do I still hang on to one sided dreams.
How do I move on from here?
When will the emotions down here in this valley be seen from the mountain view ,will these emotions finally make sense ?
Someday maybe I'll look back and understand why…until then,my heart still sends out its silent call….